Goal Update

So today is February 2nd, and I obviously didn't do a great job with keeping up with my blogging last month. I posted 15 times, so I got about half of the writing done that I planned on doing. I need to get back on track with my goals - I haven't lost any weight, barely saved up any money towards my goal, and I've been falling behind on schoolwork (yes, already). I've realized that at least some of my lack of motivation is related to the anxiety and depression I'm dealing with, so I met with a counselor at Wayne State (they have  a free counseling program for students) and will be setting up weekly meetings with a psychologist, pending I don't get stuck on the waitlist. Hopefully talking to someone about my anxiety will help me feel more adjusted and ready to handle the challenges of grad school. When my anxiety and depression get overwhelming, I tend to do very little - I procrastinate even more than usual, and usually take the easy way out when it comes to decisions about how to spend my time, what to eat, whether or not to be social, that sort of thing. It is hard to worry about getting motivated to do things above and beyond what is required of me when I can barely find the energy to do the things I really need to for school...so I'm working on that. I plan on making up my 15 missed posts from January, just to keep myself in the habit of doing something on a daily basis that tracks my progress...so basically, I should be posting every day this month through the 15th, and possibly beyond. Hopefully. For my February goal I'm going to try to wake up by 9 am every day...hopefully waking up early will make me more motivated to face the day - I tend to get depressed and bored when I wake up late and don't get any real sunlight at all. My sleep schedule hasn't been as out of whack lately, either, but 9 am will still be challenging - I've had a hard time with 10 am lately, but an hour earlier shouldn't severely effect my mental health or anything. I think I should probably ban the Kindle from the bedroom until I'm on a more regular sleep schedule, because it tends to be really, really distracting when I'm trying to fall asleep. I have a new alarm (I can't wake up to my cell phone alarms at this point) which should help as well. Matt is almost always up early, too, so we'll get to spend more time together this way, too. I'm hoping I start to feel better soon, but right now I'm honestly too tired to focus on writing. More tomorrow.

Day 24

Okay, so I've been pretty ridiculously bad at...everything. Haven't updated my blog, haven't been walking, haven't set up my Fitbit, haven't been eating much healthier, have been behind on schoolwork, and actually managed to GAIN weight the past few weeks. Boo me, I know.
I'm trying to get better with some of this stuff. I've got some stuff set aside to make up food tomorrow in advance. I'm thinking about doing premade smoothie "bags" with all of the non liquid ingredients. Then jar salads for lunch, and maybe some pre-made chicken or burritos or something for dinner. I figure that a smoothie and maybe toast or something for breakfast everyday wouldn't be a bad way to start eating healthier...I tend to skip breakfast (and lunch sometimes) and end up loading up on carbs and calories late in the day because I'm starving. I bought some silken tofu to add for protein - I was thinking about doing protein powder, but that shit is expensive, and if I don't like it I'm stuck with a gallon tub of the stuff. Tofu I know I like fine, so I figure blending a bit of silken tofu or greek yogurt with my fruit will add enough protein to make the smoothie filling. At least we have some healthier snacks in the house now, so that is helpful. I really need to get my Fitbit set up so I can start monitoring my activity, too...I'm probably going to try to be on campus Tuesday through Thursday all day, which means quite a bit of walking, which will help with my weekly totals. Matt and I need to start walking together at night again, too, which we pretty much haven't done since we moved.
It is Saturday night (okay, really it is early Sunday morning) and I've at least watched my movies for my directed study course, and started working on my reading...so, I'm ahead of where I was this time last week, but still haven't done as much as I should have. I'm just not feeling very motivated in general lately, but I'm trying to change that one small step at a time. We'll see....

Day 19

Still haven't gotten fully back into the swing of school, still slightly behind with my work. I'm hoping that forcing myself to stay on campus most of the day tomorrow and Wednesday will help me get caught up. Both days I'll be on campus from noon until around 10 pm, so I should have time to get plenty done, hopefully. I'm not writing any more tonight (technically 1 am, but I'm still counting this as yesterday's post, since I've been falling behind on those, too). I'm just hoping that I can feel better soon, kick this stupid cold, and get back into the habit of doing school work regularly.

Day 17

So, I'm doing a really bad job keeping up with my writing goals. And eating healthy. And walking. And schoolwork. Basically I'm just sucking in general right now. I've been to the first session of both of my classes, despite feeling like ass...and I feel less sick than I have, at least. Yesterday had a crippling headache most of the day and got nothing done. At least today I went grocery shopping and put most of the groceries away, cleaned up the kitchen a bit, and took out the trash. I'm not going to write much because I need to start watching Metropolis for my directed study class (which was my week 1 movie, so I'm behind already) and hopefully I'll finish it before Matt gets home from work. He's closing tonight, so I think I'll have time to get through the movie.
Classes seem to be okay, but lots and lots and lots of reading...way less writing than last semester, and NO FINAL PAPERS AT ALL. I've got annotated bibliographies for my directed study course, 5 short papers for film theory, and more bibliographies for my African American studies course. Which means that, hopefully, I won't be as bogged down at the end of the semester this time around. Of course I have a ton of reading every week, and research, so it isn't like I'll have lots of time to dick around...on that note, I'm going to get started on school stuff.

Day 14

Day 14 of the new year, Day 2 of being sick, and Day 1 of classes...not great timing, to be honest. I still plan on going to class tonight at 6 pm, I'm just hoping I'm feeling a bit better by then. I need to leave around 4 pm to make sure I have plenty of time to get up there and get to class before it starts, and it is almost 2 pm now...so I don't have much time to feel better. The sore throat, headache, and running nose don't worry me as much as the upset stomach. I figure I'll probably just try to quarantine myself as much as possible and keep quiet...I'm obviously losing my voice, so I don't think the professor will hold it against me. I'd love to skip this class and stay home, but I really shouldn't, even with a perfectly valid excuse. I'm trying to get some laundry done before then, and get the apartment picked up a bit. I also need to work on the reading for my class tomorrow. I couldn't fall asleep last night, so I'm exhausted on top of being sick. Today is just not going great in general. I did finally get my student loan money, so I was able to pay our overdue electric and cable bills, and my Meijer credit card. Maybe I'll finally stop getting phone calls harassing me about it. But apparently we owe "legal fees" on our rent because they've filed for collections with a lawyer...even though we never got an eviction notice and there is no mention of legal fees in our lease. So we're arguing the charges...it is a huge pain in the ass that we're essentially paying an extra $300 to them because our rent is less than 2 weeks overdue...that is like a 40-50% rent increase for paying late, which is insane. If they don't just drop the charges, we'll probably pay it, but this shit is seriously pissing me off. If I didn't hate moving so much, I'd pretty much just say fuck it and head back to Village Green or start looking at houses to rent or something. This place has been really bad at communicating from the get go...so I shouldn't be surprised by these shenanigans. It is just really irritating. Anyway, I have stuff I need to get done, so I'm stopping a bit early today. More tomorrow, hopefully.

Day 13

So, I completely forgot to write yesterday and the day before...what I really should do is write more today to make up for it, but I feel pretty awful, so I probably won't. Whatever illness Matt has been dealing with this past week has finally caught up to me...so I've got a fever, sore throat, upset stomach, headache, and muscle pains. I was fine last night and woke up today feeling like a train hit me. Even more annoying is that I dyed my hair last night using a new color of Manic Panic, and it has stained like everything I own. My hands, my ears, my forehead, two or three towels, a pillowcase, the sink, the bathroom floor, the tub, even the supposedly STAINLESS steel kitchen sink. I realized my gloves has holes in them at the END of the hair dying process, so now my thumbs are bright purple...after several sessions of scrubbing with multiple kinds of soaps, exfoliating, and using rubbing alcohol, they are fading but still look ridiculous. I rinsed my hair for probably at least a half hour last night after dying it, and at least that long again today, so I'[m hoping that will keep the color from fading and spreading any more than it already has. On top of being sick and half purple, I got an e-mail today from the apartment complex saying that we owe an additional $150 in legal fees on top of our unpaid rent, since apparently they start the eviction process less than 2 weeks after your rent is late for the first time. And apparently when Matt called them about it they told him that they aren't authorized to remove those fees, so now he is dealing with tracking down someone who can do that. At this point we owe our normal rent, plus $120 in late fees, plus $150 in legal fees, which in total is over 1000$...and I STILL haven't had my loans disburse yet, although Matt got his a few days ago. Ugh. So much bullshit right at the beginning of the semester is not putting me in a good mood. I haven't left the bed today until now (it is almost 6 pm), because I feel so crappy...and I still have a good chunk of schoolwork to do for my Thursday class. I'm hoping that I'll be able to make it to classes okay, but if this upset stomach leads to vomiting or diarrhea, I'm staying home - I don't need to be a flu spreader the first week in to classes. I hope it is just a cold and not the flu, but I really am worried that this is going to be at least three or four days of feeling like garbage. Yay.

Day 10

So I'm still waiting on financial aid money...it disbursed to the school on Wednesday, and can take 3 to 5 business days to go into bank accounts from there. I'm hoping it will show up on Monday so I can try to get some last minute stuff accomplished before my first class on Wednesday.
Matt is back to work, and he's on a double today, so I've got the apartment to myself until probably after midnight. I'm hoping I'll be able to get a lot accomplished without any distractions. It is about 2:30 now, and after I'm done writing this I'm going to finish cleaning up the kitchen. I started working on it last night, but really only got the freezer cleaned out and organized. I still need to wash and put away dishes, clean/organize the fridge, organize cupboards, clean counters/microwave/oven/sink/dishwasher, and sweep/mop the floor. I'm hoping I can get that done by 4, and then start working on my reading for school. I need to get the bathrooms cleaned, too, but I'm waiting on that...maybe I'll be able to talk Matt into helping me with that tomorrow, since he'll be out of work. I would really like to get some shopping done and get my bills paid, but that isn't going to happen until student loan money shows up.
I did make some progress charts for Matt and I to use...one that tracks weight loss, and one (for each of us) to track our 52 week money challenge. We decided that we will both do the money challenge, and that our weight loss goal is 50 pounds for the year...about a pound a week. If we get within 10 lbs of the goal, we'll use our combined savings from the money challenge ($2756) for a vacation or something else fun...if not, we'll use to for rent or student loan payments, or something more practical. I figure that losing at least 40 lbs over the course of the next 50 weeks should be doable, and 50 is attainable if we really keep at it. I figure it is a good idea to leave some wiggle room in there, because it may be hard to sustain weight loss at the end of the year during the holidays...if we get pretty close, I'll count that as a win. And we could buy a pretty epic vacation with a few grand...maybe even go oversees somewhere. I want to say my mom and aunt's trip to Ireland cost them around that much, and they went for a whole week. I think tying the two goals together will be a way to reinforce ourselves: if we don't save the money, we can't take the cool vacation. If we don't lose the weight, we have to use the money for something useful but boring. Being excited for the vacation/fun option will remind us why we need to keep working on the weight loss goal. I'd like to pretend that I could lose weight just because I need to, and stay motivated based on internal factors, but I know that is bullshit. The whole "lose weight to be healthy, not to be thin" and "lose weight for yourself, not for others" is great in theory, but that just isn't how my brain works. I love food, and if I have to suck it up and stop eating massive quantities of delicious, bad-for-me foods, I need more reward than "but you'll FEEL better" - yes, I know I'll feel healthier once I've lost weight, but I also feel pretty damn good when eating pizza. So.... Basically, wanting to lose weight for superficial reasons, or just because I can reward myself at the end of the year with something fun - I don't care if those are the "wrong" reasons. I don't think that after I lose the weight I'll gain it back. I know that this means "lifestyle" changes, which can't be superficial or short-term. And I think being thinner and healthier WILL be its own reward, but I do need an external motivator to get to that point. I've never been, and will probably never be, exceptionally thin - but I can maintain a healthy weight. I did through high school and most of college, and really only started to gain weight 3 or 4 years ago. Most of my life I've been a healthy-ish weight until recently, so I know I can maintain a weight of less than 190 if I just work at it. So that is really the goal, getting down to a weight I feel comfortable at, and then doing whatever I need to do to maintain it. Since the initial weight loss and changes are going to be difficult for me, extra motivation is needed.
I finally got my FitBit in the mail, so that will help me keep track of my steps and calories. I used to take it off at night, which would mean I'd forget about it in the morning some days, or accidentally leave it on my clothes and destroy it in the washer. I think I'm going to just move it from my day clothes to my pajamas when I switch over, that way it is always on my person and I don't risk losing/forgetting/washing it. Matt and I have already talked about cutting fast food/eating out down to once a week and making our meals ahead of time, or at least planning them in advance whenever possible. These are small, do-able changes, but I think they'll really make a difference. I'm actually looking forward to getting started.