Okay, so I've been pretty ridiculously bad at...everything. Haven't updated my blog, haven't been walking, haven't set up my Fitbit, haven't been eating much healthier, have been behind on schoolwork, and actually managed to GAIN weight the past few weeks. Boo me, I know.
I'm trying to get better with some of this stuff. I've got some stuff set aside to make up food tomorrow in advance. I'm thinking about doing premade smoothie "bags" with all of the non liquid ingredients. Then jar salads for lunch, and maybe some pre-made chicken or burritos or something for dinner. I figure that a smoothie and maybe toast or something for breakfast everyday wouldn't be a bad way to start eating healthier...I tend to skip breakfast (and lunch sometimes) and end up loading up on carbs and calories late in the day because I'm starving. I bought some silken tofu to add for protein - I was thinking about doing protein powder, but that shit is expensive, and if I don't like it I'm stuck with a gallon tub of the stuff. Tofu I know I like fine, so I figure blending a bit of silken tofu or greek yogurt with my fruit will add enough protein to make the smoothie filling. At least we have some healthier snacks in the house now, so that is helpful. I really need to get my Fitbit set up so I can start monitoring my activity, too...I'm probably going to try to be on campus Tuesday through Thursday all day, which means quite a bit of walking, which will help with my weekly totals. Matt and I need to start walking together at night again, too, which we pretty much haven't done since we moved.
It is Saturday night (okay, really it is early Sunday morning) and I've at least watched my movies for my directed study course, and started working on my reading...so, I'm ahead of where I was this time last week, but still haven't done as much as I should have. I'm just not feeling very motivated in general lately, but I'm trying to change that one small step at a time. We'll see....
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
Day 19
Still haven't gotten fully back into the swing of school, still slightly behind with my work. I'm hoping that forcing myself to stay on campus most of the day tomorrow and Wednesday will help me get caught up. Both days I'll be on campus from noon until around 10 pm, so I should have time to get plenty done, hopefully. I'm not writing any more tonight (technically 1 am, but I'm still counting this as yesterday's post, since I've been falling behind on those, too). I'm just hoping that I can feel better soon, kick this stupid cold, and get back into the habit of doing school work regularly.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Day 17
So, I'm doing a really bad job keeping up with my writing goals. And eating healthy. And walking. And schoolwork. Basically I'm just sucking in general right now. I've been to the first session of both of my classes, despite feeling like ass...and I feel less sick than I have, at least. Yesterday had a crippling headache most of the day and got nothing done. At least today I went grocery shopping and put most of the groceries away, cleaned up the kitchen a bit, and took out the trash. I'm not going to write much because I need to start watching Metropolis for my directed study class (which was my week 1 movie, so I'm behind already) and hopefully I'll finish it before Matt gets home from work. He's closing tonight, so I think I'll have time to get through the movie.
Classes seem to be okay, but lots and lots and lots of reading...way less writing than last semester, and NO FINAL PAPERS AT ALL. I've got annotated bibliographies for my directed study course, 5 short papers for film theory, and more bibliographies for my African American studies course. Which means that, hopefully, I won't be as bogged down at the end of the semester this time around. Of course I have a ton of reading every week, and research, so it isn't like I'll have lots of time to dick around...on that note, I'm going to get started on school stuff.
Classes seem to be okay, but lots and lots and lots of reading...way less writing than last semester, and NO FINAL PAPERS AT ALL. I've got annotated bibliographies for my directed study course, 5 short papers for film theory, and more bibliographies for my African American studies course. Which means that, hopefully, I won't be as bogged down at the end of the semester this time around. Of course I have a ton of reading every week, and research, so it isn't like I'll have lots of time to dick around...on that note, I'm going to get started on school stuff.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Day 14
Day 14 of the new year, Day 2 of being sick, and Day 1 of classes...not great timing, to be honest. I still plan on going to class tonight at 6 pm, I'm just hoping I'm feeling a bit better by then. I need to leave around 4 pm to make sure I have plenty of time to get up there and get to class before it starts, and it is almost 2 pm now...so I don't have much time to feel better. The sore throat, headache, and running nose don't worry me as much as the upset stomach. I figure I'll probably just try to quarantine myself as much as possible and keep quiet...I'm obviously losing my voice, so I don't think the professor will hold it against me. I'd love to skip this class and stay home, but I really shouldn't, even with a perfectly valid excuse. I'm trying to get some laundry done before then, and get the apartment picked up a bit. I also need to work on the reading for my class tomorrow. I couldn't fall asleep last night, so I'm exhausted on top of being sick. Today is just not going great in general. I did finally get my student loan money, so I was able to pay our overdue electric and cable bills, and my Meijer credit card. Maybe I'll finally stop getting phone calls harassing me about it. But apparently we owe "legal fees" on our rent because they've filed for collections with a lawyer...even though we never got an eviction notice and there is no mention of legal fees in our lease. So we're arguing the charges...it is a huge pain in the ass that we're essentially paying an extra $300 to them because our rent is less than 2 weeks overdue...that is like a 40-50% rent increase for paying late, which is insane. If they don't just drop the charges, we'll probably pay it, but this shit is seriously pissing me off. If I didn't hate moving so much, I'd pretty much just say fuck it and head back to Village Green or start looking at houses to rent or something. This place has been really bad at communicating from the get go...so I shouldn't be surprised by these shenanigans. It is just really irritating. Anyway, I have stuff I need to get done, so I'm stopping a bit early today. More tomorrow, hopefully.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Day 13
So, I completely forgot to write yesterday and the day before...what I really should do is write more today to make up for it, but I feel pretty awful, so I probably won't. Whatever illness Matt has been dealing with this past week has finally caught up to me...so I've got a fever, sore throat, upset stomach, headache, and muscle pains. I was fine last night and woke up today feeling like a train hit me. Even more annoying is that I dyed my hair last night using a new color of Manic Panic, and it has stained like everything I own. My hands, my ears, my forehead, two or three towels, a pillowcase, the sink, the bathroom floor, the tub, even the supposedly STAINLESS steel kitchen sink. I realized my gloves has holes in them at the END of the hair dying process, so now my thumbs are bright purple...after several sessions of scrubbing with multiple kinds of soaps, exfoliating, and using rubbing alcohol, they are fading but still look ridiculous. I rinsed my hair for probably at least a half hour last night after dying it, and at least that long again today, so I'[m hoping that will keep the color from fading and spreading any more than it already has. On top of being sick and half purple, I got an e-mail today from the apartment complex saying that we owe an additional $150 in legal fees on top of our unpaid rent, since apparently they start the eviction process less than 2 weeks after your rent is late for the first time. And apparently when Matt called them about it they told him that they aren't authorized to remove those fees, so now he is dealing with tracking down someone who can do that. At this point we owe our normal rent, plus $120 in late fees, plus $150 in legal fees, which in total is over 1000$...and I STILL haven't had my loans disburse yet, although Matt got his a few days ago. Ugh. So much bullshit right at the beginning of the semester is not putting me in a good mood. I haven't left the bed today until now (it is almost 6 pm), because I feel so crappy...and I still have a good chunk of schoolwork to do for my Thursday class. I'm hoping that I'll be able to make it to classes okay, but if this upset stomach leads to vomiting or diarrhea, I'm staying home - I don't need to be a flu spreader the first week in to classes. I hope it is just a cold and not the flu, but I really am worried that this is going to be at least three or four days of feeling like garbage. Yay.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Day 10
So I'm still waiting on financial aid money...it disbursed to the school on Wednesday, and can take 3 to 5 business days to go into bank accounts from there. I'm hoping it will show up on Monday so I can try to get some last minute stuff accomplished before my first class on Wednesday.
Matt is back to work, and he's on a double today, so I've got the apartment to myself until probably after midnight. I'm hoping I'll be able to get a lot accomplished without any distractions. It is about 2:30 now, and after I'm done writing this I'm going to finish cleaning up the kitchen. I started working on it last night, but really only got the freezer cleaned out and organized. I still need to wash and put away dishes, clean/organize the fridge, organize cupboards, clean counters/microwave/oven/sink/dishwasher, and sweep/mop the floor. I'm hoping I can get that done by 4, and then start working on my reading for school. I need to get the bathrooms cleaned, too, but I'm waiting on that...maybe I'll be able to talk Matt into helping me with that tomorrow, since he'll be out of work. I would really like to get some shopping done and get my bills paid, but that isn't going to happen until student loan money shows up.
I did make some progress charts for Matt and I to use...one that tracks weight loss, and one (for each of us) to track our 52 week money challenge. We decided that we will both do the money challenge, and that our weight loss goal is 50 pounds for the year...about a pound a week. If we get within 10 lbs of the goal, we'll use our combined savings from the money challenge ($2756) for a vacation or something else fun...if not, we'll use to for rent or student loan payments, or something more practical. I figure that losing at least 40 lbs over the course of the next 50 weeks should be doable, and 50 is attainable if we really keep at it. I figure it is a good idea to leave some wiggle room in there, because it may be hard to sustain weight loss at the end of the year during the holidays...if we get pretty close, I'll count that as a win. And we could buy a pretty epic vacation with a few grand...maybe even go oversees somewhere. I want to say my mom and aunt's trip to Ireland cost them around that much, and they went for a whole week. I think tying the two goals together will be a way to reinforce ourselves: if we don't save the money, we can't take the cool vacation. If we don't lose the weight, we have to use the money for something useful but boring. Being excited for the vacation/fun option will remind us why we need to keep working on the weight loss goal. I'd like to pretend that I could lose weight just because I need to, and stay motivated based on internal factors, but I know that is bullshit. The whole "lose weight to be healthy, not to be thin" and "lose weight for yourself, not for others" is great in theory, but that just isn't how my brain works. I love food, and if I have to suck it up and stop eating massive quantities of delicious, bad-for-me foods, I need more reward than "but you'll FEEL better" - yes, I know I'll feel healthier once I've lost weight, but I also feel pretty damn good when eating pizza. So.... Basically, wanting to lose weight for superficial reasons, or just because I can reward myself at the end of the year with something fun - I don't care if those are the "wrong" reasons. I don't think that after I lose the weight I'll gain it back. I know that this means "lifestyle" changes, which can't be superficial or short-term. And I think being thinner and healthier WILL be its own reward, but I do need an external motivator to get to that point. I've never been, and will probably never be, exceptionally thin - but I can maintain a healthy weight. I did through high school and most of college, and really only started to gain weight 3 or 4 years ago. Most of my life I've been a healthy-ish weight until recently, so I know I can maintain a weight of less than 190 if I just work at it. So that is really the goal, getting down to a weight I feel comfortable at, and then doing whatever I need to do to maintain it. Since the initial weight loss and changes are going to be difficult for me, extra motivation is needed.
I finally got my FitBit in the mail, so that will help me keep track of my steps and calories. I used to take it off at night, which would mean I'd forget about it in the morning some days, or accidentally leave it on my clothes and destroy it in the washer. I think I'm going to just move it from my day clothes to my pajamas when I switch over, that way it is always on my person and I don't risk losing/forgetting/washing it. Matt and I have already talked about cutting fast food/eating out down to once a week and making our meals ahead of time, or at least planning them in advance whenever possible. These are small, do-able changes, but I think they'll really make a difference. I'm actually looking forward to getting started.
Matt is back to work, and he's on a double today, so I've got the apartment to myself until probably after midnight. I'm hoping I'll be able to get a lot accomplished without any distractions. It is about 2:30 now, and after I'm done writing this I'm going to finish cleaning up the kitchen. I started working on it last night, but really only got the freezer cleaned out and organized. I still need to wash and put away dishes, clean/organize the fridge, organize cupboards, clean counters/microwave/oven/sink/dishwasher, and sweep/mop the floor. I'm hoping I can get that done by 4, and then start working on my reading for school. I need to get the bathrooms cleaned, too, but I'm waiting on that...maybe I'll be able to talk Matt into helping me with that tomorrow, since he'll be out of work. I would really like to get some shopping done and get my bills paid, but that isn't going to happen until student loan money shows up.
I did make some progress charts for Matt and I to use...one that tracks weight loss, and one (for each of us) to track our 52 week money challenge. We decided that we will both do the money challenge, and that our weight loss goal is 50 pounds for the year...about a pound a week. If we get within 10 lbs of the goal, we'll use our combined savings from the money challenge ($2756) for a vacation or something else fun...if not, we'll use to for rent or student loan payments, or something more practical. I figure that losing at least 40 lbs over the course of the next 50 weeks should be doable, and 50 is attainable if we really keep at it. I figure it is a good idea to leave some wiggle room in there, because it may be hard to sustain weight loss at the end of the year during the holidays...if we get pretty close, I'll count that as a win. And we could buy a pretty epic vacation with a few grand...maybe even go oversees somewhere. I want to say my mom and aunt's trip to Ireland cost them around that much, and they went for a whole week. I think tying the two goals together will be a way to reinforce ourselves: if we don't save the money, we can't take the cool vacation. If we don't lose the weight, we have to use the money for something useful but boring. Being excited for the vacation/fun option will remind us why we need to keep working on the weight loss goal. I'd like to pretend that I could lose weight just because I need to, and stay motivated based on internal factors, but I know that is bullshit. The whole "lose weight to be healthy, not to be thin" and "lose weight for yourself, not for others" is great in theory, but that just isn't how my brain works. I love food, and if I have to suck it up and stop eating massive quantities of delicious, bad-for-me foods, I need more reward than "but you'll FEEL better" - yes, I know I'll feel healthier once I've lost weight, but I also feel pretty damn good when eating pizza. So.... Basically, wanting to lose weight for superficial reasons, or just because I can reward myself at the end of the year with something fun - I don't care if those are the "wrong" reasons. I don't think that after I lose the weight I'll gain it back. I know that this means "lifestyle" changes, which can't be superficial or short-term. And I think being thinner and healthier WILL be its own reward, but I do need an external motivator to get to that point. I've never been, and will probably never be, exceptionally thin - but I can maintain a healthy weight. I did through high school and most of college, and really only started to gain weight 3 or 4 years ago. Most of my life I've been a healthy-ish weight until recently, so I know I can maintain a weight of less than 190 if I just work at it. So that is really the goal, getting down to a weight I feel comfortable at, and then doing whatever I need to do to maintain it. Since the initial weight loss and changes are going to be difficult for me, extra motivation is needed.
I finally got my FitBit in the mail, so that will help me keep track of my steps and calories. I used to take it off at night, which would mean I'd forget about it in the morning some days, or accidentally leave it on my clothes and destroy it in the washer. I think I'm going to just move it from my day clothes to my pajamas when I switch over, that way it is always on my person and I don't risk losing/forgetting/washing it. Matt and I have already talked about cutting fast food/eating out down to once a week and making our meals ahead of time, or at least planning them in advance whenever possible. These are small, do-able changes, but I think they'll really make a difference. I'm actually looking forward to getting started.
Friday, January 9, 2015
Day 9
Matt has been home from work today because he is still feeling sick, and I honestly have accomplished pretty much nothing all day. We are going to try to get our new curtains up, and I'm going to hopefully get the kitchen cleaned up, but I don't feel like doing much of anything, to be honest. I'm just feeling really blah right now...weather is terrible, news of all sorts of bad accidents and pile-ups on the highway today. Even though I don't want to go out in this bad weather, I'm feeling pretty cooped up and bored. I should have taken the opportunity today to work on some of my school reading, but I never felt motivated enough to do it. At the very least I should break out my planner and write in some of my assignments so I know what I'm getting in to for week one. It is about 8:30, and I never go to bed early, so I have time to salvage today. Maybe.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Day 8
Matt woke me up around 11 today, which means I probably only got about 6 hours of sleep. It is probably a good thing, because I'm trying to slowly shift to a more normal sleep schedule. We went to Meijer's to pick up some school stuff as well as some energy saving curtains to help block out the cold. Still haven't received student loan money, but I think it will be coming through tomorrow, hopefully. Now that I have folders and notebooks, I can start organizing my school stuff for the semester and finally get started on my readings.
Matt is working all day tomorrow and Saturday, so I figure that should give me plenty of time to get through most, if not all, of my first week's reading assignments.
Matt and I also talked about combining two of our goals in a way that will hopefully be more motivating. We were both planning on trying to lose weight this year, and also doing the 52 week money challenge. The latter is a money saving challenge in which you put aside 1 dollar in savings the first week of the year, $2 on week 2, and so on each week. At the end of it all you have $1378. We haven't yet decided if we'll be splitting the cost of each chipping in to a shared pile. What we would like to do is, at the end of the year, if we've met (or got within 10 lbs) of our respective weight goals, use the money to do something fun - buy something cool for the apartment, go on a vacation, etc. If we don't hit the weight loss goals, we'll put the money towards something more practical - rent or student loans. In either case, we are doing something good - losing weight, and saving money. It isn't really a punishment to use the money for something practical, but the idea of going on vacation or getting new, good furniture, or whatever we spend the "fun" money on would also be a good motivator. We still have to iron out a few kinks in the plan, set a start date, and do a weigh-in, but I'm really looking forward to working on this. Working out together can be fun, and we can keep each other motivated. Win/win.
Matt is working all day tomorrow and Saturday, so I figure that should give me plenty of time to get through most, if not all, of my first week's reading assignments.
Matt and I also talked about combining two of our goals in a way that will hopefully be more motivating. We were both planning on trying to lose weight this year, and also doing the 52 week money challenge. The latter is a money saving challenge in which you put aside 1 dollar in savings the first week of the year, $2 on week 2, and so on each week. At the end of it all you have $1378. We haven't yet decided if we'll be splitting the cost of each chipping in to a shared pile. What we would like to do is, at the end of the year, if we've met (or got within 10 lbs) of our respective weight goals, use the money to do something fun - buy something cool for the apartment, go on a vacation, etc. If we don't hit the weight loss goals, we'll put the money towards something more practical - rent or student loans. In either case, we are doing something good - losing weight, and saving money. It isn't really a punishment to use the money for something practical, but the idea of going on vacation or getting new, good furniture, or whatever we spend the "fun" money on would also be a good motivator. We still have to iron out a few kinks in the plan, set a start date, and do a weigh-in, but I'm really looking forward to working on this. Working out together can be fun, and we can keep each other motivated. Win/win.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Day 7
So, a brief update on how things are going:
Still not waking up as early as I should be, but I woke up by noon today, so that's something.
For some reason the Melcats system won't let me renew 2 of my 3 books, which is majorly annoying, because now I'll need to pay fines before borrowing again. I hadn't planned on going up to campus before classes start, but I'll probably need to if I don't want to owe like 80$ in late fines.
Still no student loan money, though at least it has been disbursed to the school at this point, so it is just a matter of getting it funneled into my bank account. Hopefully that won't take too long...according to the school's website. it should be here by Monday at the latest. That is cutting it a bit close, I'd say, especially since I have a billion pages of reading I need to do before the semester starts. I'm just lucky to have an Amazon credit card, or I wouldn't be able to afford the books that I already have assigned readings in.
Got an email for my AAS professor, and a long list of readings to have done before our first class. So the work is starting to pile on already, yay. This semester I feel like I should keep track of how much reading I'm doing and how long it takes each week, just to have a better idea of what sort of work I'm putting in and how much time to set aside for school. I figure tracking my progress is the best way to make sure I'm scheduling enough time to get everything done. I also need to start thinking about my thesis, which is about the last thing I feel like tackling at the moment. But since I'll have 20 out of 33 credits required for my Master's at the end of this semester, I really need to be working towards that. Since I've changed my emphasis and switched focus to film, I really have no idea what I'm going to be writing on. I'm thinking something involving comic books and science fiction, but I don't have anything definite at the moment. I won't be graduating until probably May of 2016, so I have time to iron it out, I suppose. It is stressful to think about, so I tend not to think too much about it, which is probably a terrible response. I'm planning on talking to Professor Kee about the thesis writing process and getting some advice and when and how to get the ball rolling.
I've been working my way through my to-do list, slowly. I can't do grocery shopping, food prep, or diet stuff until I have my student loan money, so that is on hold for the time being. I also need to sit down with Matt and write out a budget for the two of us, which also requires knowing how much money we are starting out with. I vacuumed the whole apartment yesterday, cleaned off the dining room table, cleaned up the living room a bit, did laundry, and organized the coat closet. Kitchen and bathrooms still need cleaned, which I don't feel very motivated to do, but really does need done. Matt is sick with some sort of cold, so probably won't be of much help - I don't expect him to scrub tiles or do dishes when he obviously feels terrible. Of course it is still freezing cold out, so getting the balcony and storage unit cleaned up is probably not going to happen...that is the one big thing I need to tackle that I really, really don't feel like dealing with. It is like 10 degrees out today, and I know it will probably be at least an hour of cleaning and organizing to get the storage closet put together. No thank you.
I'd really like to get my to-do list completed so I can get cracking on the 8000ish pages of reading due for my classes...I'm just not ready to switch over into school mode yet. We've had a really long break, but it still doesn't feel long enough. At the moment I still want to finish all the boring to-do list stuff, and finish reading Kavalier and Clay, and read Ticker, and watch the last season of Breaking Bad, and watch the rest of Season 1 of True Detective. All the fun stuff I should have been doing during break has been pushed back and now I don't really have time to indulge myself with Netflix marathons and non-academic reading, Sad face. Maybe I should give myself one or two "off" days each week this semester, where I don't feel obligated to do schoolwork and just chill out. I will try that if I have spare time...this whole 10 credits thing makes it really hard to get everything done. I think if I get up earlier, make a work schedule for myself, and track my progress/hours logged, I may be able to swing one or two off days. I need to be more disciplined about my school work, as the near breakdown at the end of last semester indicates. A daily routine (that doesn't involve waking up at noon and dicking around for 3 hours before starting my work) would probably help a great deal in that regard. Adding that to the to-do list. "Make/follow a daily schedule for schoolwork".
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Day 6
I woke up later than I should have today, but I've still managed to get some stuff done. Filled out the form needed to defer my PLUS loans, once again. Called the office to let them know about our rent situation. Renewed (tried to, at least) MelCats books, and placed an ILL order for another book. Picked up a bit around the apartment. Emailed Prof. Kee and scheduled our meeting time for my directed study course. I finally finished working on my recipe box, which means I can get the dining room picked up and start working on cleaning up the kitchen as well. It is still freezing cold out, so I'd rather wait to work on the balcony, even though it really needs to get done. My plan until Matt gets home from work is to work on laundry and cleaning, and try to get the apartment back into decent shape. I also need to start working on my reading for next week. 1 week and 1 day until my first class, and I'm feeling about as nervous as I usually do at the start of a new semester. I'm not too worried about my Film Theory or Directed Study courses, but the AAS class is making me a bit anxious...the professor was a bit of a hard ass when I took her for a 5000 level class, plus I know at least 3 or 4 people in the class, so I'll pretty much be forced to socialize. While it is nice that I'm getting to know people in the graduate program, I feel weird about hanging out with people or inserting myself into their social circles. I've never been great at making or keeping friends, so my anxiety is probably just an extension of that same problem. I'd like this to be a more social semester, but that doesn't make me less worried about what that means exactly. I guess I should probably start small...getting lunch on campus with a few people, or something. I can make Matt come along so I don't feel so out of place. I'm going to miss having a class with him, even though it mainly just led to him and I arguing about whether or not we thought the professor was too this or too that. And of course he is taking another class with her this semester, so in the end, I take that as a win...he wasn't that into her teaching style, but now he is switching around his schedule so he can take another of her classes. Told ya so.
Anyway, I'm also trying to work out a basic diet/exercise plan, since school is starting in a week. My plan is to basically start small - I know from past experience that if I decide to cut calories and work out constantly and change a whole bunch of big things all at once, I'll fail at most of them, then get frustrated, then quit. One tip I heard that actually sounds helpful is to ADD new, healthy foods rather than making a long list of cant-eat and dont-eat foods. I think that may have been part of my problem before - there is a difference between making healthy replacements, adding healthy foods, etc. and just saying I won't eat this and I won't eat that. It feels like punishment to say "I'm done eating pizza"...I fucking love pizza. I don't love being fat, but I think a world exists in which I can be thinner than I am, healthier than I am, and still enjoy pizza once in a while. I need to moderate what I eat, and get more exercise. I'm big enough now that getting the ball rolling shouldn't be too difficult...after all, I have a lot to lose. I was able to lose about 20 lbs in a few months just by counting calories and walking more. I don't plan on counting calories as religiously as I used to, but focusing more on trying new, healthier foods. Preparing food at home, in advance if possible. Not skipping meals. Getting on a more normal sleep schedule. Walking more, maybe even doing a bit of cardio here and there. I'm hoping that these small changes will add up and help me lose weight. Eating out, eating processed convenience foods, stress/binge eating are the things that get me off track, so I'm just trying to minimize those. I figure I can spend most of my time eating healthy, and then have one or two cheat meals or snacks per week. I just got a fondue pot, and I really hate the idea of waiting another 6 months to eat melted cheese. That is more pain than my cheddar-loving soul can bear. While a whole cheat day seems like a bad idea, because it just sets me back on the Twinkie-lined path of chunkness, a cheat meal/snack seems like a good middle ground solution. I've read that planning meals in advance is also a good way to save money and lose weight, so I'm planning on trying that for a week to see how it goes. I'm bad at that sort of organization, especially when Matt and I have such weird schedules. Since I'm at home more now than I've ever really been, it is more a matter of determination and persistence than anything, though. While scheduling meals for Matt and I both would be difficult, I could create a meal plan for myself that makes sense. I only *need* to be on campus two days a week, so I have plenty of time at home to prep and cook and eat. I can't quite tell if that will be a good thing or a bad thing.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Day 5 (for another hour at least)
So far I've been trying to write early in the day, but I'm just now sitting down to write at 11:09 pm...I honestly forgot about it until about a half hour ago, which is exactly why I try to get it out of the way early, generally.
Matt had the day off work, finally, so we have been getting stuff done today. Put away all the christmas decorations except the lights on the balcony...it is freezing out, and there is no way I'm standing out there for 20 minutes untangling lights in 10 degree weather. We also moved the living room around a bit. Matt went grocery shopping, we made dinner together, and even went out to lunch at a new place in Belleville that we've never tried. Our January rent still hasn't been paid, but at this point the late fee is already applied and we won't incur more fees until Friday...so our options were to either spend the week stressing about money and eating rice for every meal, or saying screw it and realizing that we're paying a late fee either way. Of course we went with option 2. We weren't going to have enough to cover rent, even with my last 60 bucks and the 50 or so dollars in change we scraped together, so we are playing the waiting game and hoping that student loans are disbursed sooner rather than later. Right now the late fee is an additional $50, but if we don't pay by Friday it goes up by another $70, which will put our rent at almost $900. Even after we get the student loan disbursement, we still need to be maintaining a budget, so I'd really like to get rent paid before it gets jacked up again. I'm also hoping student loan money gets here soon so I can do some more extensive grocery shopping, finally mail out my aunt's Christmas present, and maybe even get my car looked at (which needs to happen soon, anyway, since the damn thing is making new noises every time I drive it). Since school starts a week from this Wednesday, I'm hoping money is in my account by Friday...that way I'll have the weekend and beginning of next week to get my ducks in a row.
In terms of other goals, I haven't been too worried about eating right or exercising for the time being. Once school starts, I'll be on a more regular schedule and will be more likely to stick to a diet/exercise plan. I also ordered a replacement for my Fitbit, which is dead due to several rounds in the washer and dryer. This time I plan on A) wearing it every day, B) being VERY careful to remove it from my clothing BEFORE they go in the laundry, and C) actually utilizing the calorie and sleep trackers on the website rather than just using it as an overpriced pedometer. There is no reason to spend $50 on a gadget that costs $15 elsewhere if I'm not using it to its full potential. And since I'll be able to access the Fitbit site from my phone, Kindle, and computer, I'm more likely to update it. When I was tracking calories before it was in a notebook, which I would occasionally forget at home, meaning I was more likely to flake out on keeping it updated. And I think the base level goal of 10,000 steps per day will definitely help in my weight loss, as I know I'm not doing that much physical activity as of now. The hardest thing will probably be braving the cold and making sure I get enough steps on days that I don't go to campus. When I'm on campus I do a decent amount of walking, but on days I'm cooped up at home working on my research and writing, I do significantly less. Maybe it would be smarter to aim for 70,000 steps for the week and not split hairs about whether it is split evenly among the days...I'll probably wait to see how the first few weeks of the semester go before making any decisions about whether I should add cardio or more walking or whatever else to my routine. The important thing is to get accustomed to the new class schedule as quickly as possibly, so that I can then work on getting into a routine at home as well. I wish I was better at reading and walking, because I would definitely be on the treadmill, getting my class readings done if I could multitask like that. Since that would probably just make me dizzy, I need to figure out a way to get everything done for school that needs done while also taking care of myself better. It is going to be a challenge for sure.
My pre-semester to-do list is coming along okay, though I do need to spend some time cleaning the apartment. Matt is working a double tomorrow, and I plan on waking up early so I can vacuum, clean the bathrooms and kitchen, and get some laundry done. I also want to work on organizing the closets and our outdoor storage, time and weather permitting. It is getting really cold again, so it would be nice to get the storage unit organized, our bikes and table covered and away from the snow, and the whole balcony sealed off entirely. The heat in this apartment is already expensive, and doesn't do a great job in the first place...having two large sliding glass doors probably doesn't help much in that department. I'd love to throw a thick blanket up to stop the drafts, but we have literally no other source of sunlight in the apartment. I'm starting to realize that the layout that is so awesome during the summer time is a huge pain in the ass when it is 20 degrees outside and about 50 degrees inside.
Anyway, that's about all the complaining I can muster up...today has actually been pretty good, despite some intestinal protestations earlier on. Hopefully tomorrow will follow that trend (minus the intestinal protestations, though).
Matt had the day off work, finally, so we have been getting stuff done today. Put away all the christmas decorations except the lights on the balcony...it is freezing out, and there is no way I'm standing out there for 20 minutes untangling lights in 10 degree weather. We also moved the living room around a bit. Matt went grocery shopping, we made dinner together, and even went out to lunch at a new place in Belleville that we've never tried. Our January rent still hasn't been paid, but at this point the late fee is already applied and we won't incur more fees until Friday...so our options were to either spend the week stressing about money and eating rice for every meal, or saying screw it and realizing that we're paying a late fee either way. Of course we went with option 2. We weren't going to have enough to cover rent, even with my last 60 bucks and the 50 or so dollars in change we scraped together, so we are playing the waiting game and hoping that student loans are disbursed sooner rather than later. Right now the late fee is an additional $50, but if we don't pay by Friday it goes up by another $70, which will put our rent at almost $900. Even after we get the student loan disbursement, we still need to be maintaining a budget, so I'd really like to get rent paid before it gets jacked up again. I'm also hoping student loan money gets here soon so I can do some more extensive grocery shopping, finally mail out my aunt's Christmas present, and maybe even get my car looked at (which needs to happen soon, anyway, since the damn thing is making new noises every time I drive it). Since school starts a week from this Wednesday, I'm hoping money is in my account by Friday...that way I'll have the weekend and beginning of next week to get my ducks in a row.
In terms of other goals, I haven't been too worried about eating right or exercising for the time being. Once school starts, I'll be on a more regular schedule and will be more likely to stick to a diet/exercise plan. I also ordered a replacement for my Fitbit, which is dead due to several rounds in the washer and dryer. This time I plan on A) wearing it every day, B) being VERY careful to remove it from my clothing BEFORE they go in the laundry, and C) actually utilizing the calorie and sleep trackers on the website rather than just using it as an overpriced pedometer. There is no reason to spend $50 on a gadget that costs $15 elsewhere if I'm not using it to its full potential. And since I'll be able to access the Fitbit site from my phone, Kindle, and computer, I'm more likely to update it. When I was tracking calories before it was in a notebook, which I would occasionally forget at home, meaning I was more likely to flake out on keeping it updated. And I think the base level goal of 10,000 steps per day will definitely help in my weight loss, as I know I'm not doing that much physical activity as of now. The hardest thing will probably be braving the cold and making sure I get enough steps on days that I don't go to campus. When I'm on campus I do a decent amount of walking, but on days I'm cooped up at home working on my research and writing, I do significantly less. Maybe it would be smarter to aim for 70,000 steps for the week and not split hairs about whether it is split evenly among the days...I'll probably wait to see how the first few weeks of the semester go before making any decisions about whether I should add cardio or more walking or whatever else to my routine. The important thing is to get accustomed to the new class schedule as quickly as possibly, so that I can then work on getting into a routine at home as well. I wish I was better at reading and walking, because I would definitely be on the treadmill, getting my class readings done if I could multitask like that. Since that would probably just make me dizzy, I need to figure out a way to get everything done for school that needs done while also taking care of myself better. It is going to be a challenge for sure.
My pre-semester to-do list is coming along okay, though I do need to spend some time cleaning the apartment. Matt is working a double tomorrow, and I plan on waking up early so I can vacuum, clean the bathrooms and kitchen, and get some laundry done. I also want to work on organizing the closets and our outdoor storage, time and weather permitting. It is getting really cold again, so it would be nice to get the storage unit organized, our bikes and table covered and away from the snow, and the whole balcony sealed off entirely. The heat in this apartment is already expensive, and doesn't do a great job in the first place...having two large sliding glass doors probably doesn't help much in that department. I'd love to throw a thick blanket up to stop the drafts, but we have literally no other source of sunlight in the apartment. I'm starting to realize that the layout that is so awesome during the summer time is a huge pain in the ass when it is 20 degrees outside and about 50 degrees inside.
Anyway, that's about all the complaining I can muster up...today has actually been pretty good, despite some intestinal protestations earlier on. Hopefully tomorrow will follow that trend (minus the intestinal protestations, though).
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Day 4....
So, went to bed a little earlier and woke up a little earlier today. Trying to get back into school mode - even though my classes are both scheduled for late afternoon, I can't be getting up at 2 pm every day. My goal is to get back to being awake by 10 am most days, unless I had a particularly late night or am not feeling well. We'll see how that goes. I'm feeling better today than yesterday. Haven't been drinking as much pop, which probably explains the day-long headache. Feeling a little evened-out today, and I'm thinking I might just wait to buy more pop as long as it keeps up. Of course I haven't started to eat healthy, because we don't have the money to grocery shop at the moment. Running through McDonalds for $5 worth of food is easier and more affordable than going to Meijer and buying enough groceries for a meal or two. I hate having to do that, but it is probably going to be the norm for a few more days until student loan money shows up. I figure since my goal is to lose 50 lbs this year, that is 1 lb per week with two weeks of wiggle room...so I should still be good to start, once I actually have enough money to restock our pantry and freezer with healthier options. My goal is to get everything stocked up and make some freezer meals and snack bags in advance before the school year starts, because I know I'll be less motivated to do home-stuff once school-stuff is back on my radar.
I did make up a to-do list that I need to get sorted out before break ends. Matt and I have already tackled some big stuff. We got my sewing table put together and the bedroom switched around to accommodate it. We still need to take down Christmas decorations and put them away, which will also probably require rearranging and cleaning up the storage unit. I'd also like to thoroughly clean the apartment before the semester starts...we cleaned a few weeks ago when we thought my mom was going to stay the night, but we need to clean again. I'd feel better starting the semester knowing the apartment is clean and organized, and grocery shopping is done, and all my other errands have been taken care of. I also want to do something nice for myself...so I may get my hair cut, or at least I'll re-dye it before the semester starts. I still haven't quite figured out the trick to getting Manic Panic to last in my hair for longer than a few weeks...as of right now I plan on dying it pink one more time before school starts. Then, when that starts to fade, I'm going to re-lighten it and go blue. After that, I'm not sure. I may let the color fade then dye over it brown and stick with natural colors. I love pink hair, but I don't love the upkeep, or staining my bathroom counter, sink, tub, clothes, and bedding. I've been careful about rinsing out the dye and doing the vinegar rinse thing, and all that crap, and it still gets on everything. I either need shorter, more manageable hair, or to use colors that won't make it look like a unicorn murder occurred in my bathroom. I was thinking about buying myself something nice from Modcloth when I get student loan money, but I know how that goes - I'll end up wanting all of the things, then buying more than I need, then keeping stuff I won't ever wear because I convince myself that *this* semester I will branch out more, and then I'll feel even LESS compelled to lose weight, because it will be expensive to have my clothes tailored or buy new, smaller sizes.
That is actually one of my goals, too....teaching myself to take in dresses and tops, so I'm able to do it myself when I lose weight. I don't want to have to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. I don't have the money for it, for one, and secondly, I like a lot of my dresses and would be very sad if I couldn't find appropriately sized replacements. I have plenty of jeans and t-shirts in smaller sizes, but I don't have much in the way of dressier clothes smaller than a 1X. Learning to tailor will be part of my weight loss strategy. And who knows, it is a skill that I could even make money with at some point, if need be.
Matt is only working a lunch shift today, so he should be home within an hour or two. Hopefully between the two of us we'll get some stuff accomplished today. I didn't get much done yesterday at all, because my headache just wouldn't go away and I was just feeling sulky and depressed in general. Feeling more upbeat today, so maybe that will translate into accomplishing more,
I did make up a to-do list that I need to get sorted out before break ends. Matt and I have already tackled some big stuff. We got my sewing table put together and the bedroom switched around to accommodate it. We still need to take down Christmas decorations and put them away, which will also probably require rearranging and cleaning up the storage unit. I'd also like to thoroughly clean the apartment before the semester starts...we cleaned a few weeks ago when we thought my mom was going to stay the night, but we need to clean again. I'd feel better starting the semester knowing the apartment is clean and organized, and grocery shopping is done, and all my other errands have been taken care of. I also want to do something nice for myself...so I may get my hair cut, or at least I'll re-dye it before the semester starts. I still haven't quite figured out the trick to getting Manic Panic to last in my hair for longer than a few weeks...as of right now I plan on dying it pink one more time before school starts. Then, when that starts to fade, I'm going to re-lighten it and go blue. After that, I'm not sure. I may let the color fade then dye over it brown and stick with natural colors. I love pink hair, but I don't love the upkeep, or staining my bathroom counter, sink, tub, clothes, and bedding. I've been careful about rinsing out the dye and doing the vinegar rinse thing, and all that crap, and it still gets on everything. I either need shorter, more manageable hair, or to use colors that won't make it look like a unicorn murder occurred in my bathroom. I was thinking about buying myself something nice from Modcloth when I get student loan money, but I know how that goes - I'll end up wanting all of the things, then buying more than I need, then keeping stuff I won't ever wear because I convince myself that *this* semester I will branch out more, and then I'll feel even LESS compelled to lose weight, because it will be expensive to have my clothes tailored or buy new, smaller sizes.
That is actually one of my goals, too....teaching myself to take in dresses and tops, so I'm able to do it myself when I lose weight. I don't want to have to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. I don't have the money for it, for one, and secondly, I like a lot of my dresses and would be very sad if I couldn't find appropriately sized replacements. I have plenty of jeans and t-shirts in smaller sizes, but I don't have much in the way of dressier clothes smaller than a 1X. Learning to tailor will be part of my weight loss strategy. And who knows, it is a skill that I could even make money with at some point, if need be.
Matt is only working a lunch shift today, so he should be home within an hour or two. Hopefully between the two of us we'll get some stuff accomplished today. I didn't get much done yesterday at all, because my headache just wouldn't go away and I was just feeling sulky and depressed in general. Feeling more upbeat today, so maybe that will translate into accomplishing more,
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Blugh
Today so far:
Woke up at 2 pm with an excruciating headache (not a hangover, I was just up late reading).
It is gray and dreary and shitty out.
I still have no student loan money, and our rent is late for the first time since we moved in. Matt hopes to have enough for his half by tomorrow or Monday, at which point there will be at least $50 of late fees. He has already said he'll pay all the late fees, since I would have had my money on time if he has paid me back what he owed me from months previous.
I realized that not a single one of my resolutions has anything to do with my relationship, or with how I treat others. I don't know if that is selfish, or just prudent. Honestly, I don't know how much my relationship with Matt can be fixed, and I can't think of anything concrete to do about it anyway.
And since no one knows about this blog other than myself and Matt, and I'm like 98% certain he doesn't check or read it, I'm going to bitch for a minute. I don't get the opportunity to just complain to anyone other than Matt, so if I want to bitch about him or us or anything, I end up bottling it up. Well, I'm done with that shit. It is toxic, and I'm tired of being passive aggressive in an effort to lighten the burden of anger that I carry around with me. It never helps, anyway, being passive aggressive - it just makes him angry, and makes me angry that he can't mind read and doesn't know why I'm upset.
We go through these cycles, where we ignore our problems for a long time. I'll get pissed off and try to go off by myself, then he'll come around and start picking at me, bugging me about why I'm angry. If I say I don't want to talk about it, I'm the bad guy....but I know if I start talking, I won't stop...everything will come out. Every complaint, every grievance. And I don't always have the time or energy to sustain that sort of emotion long enough to have a conversation about it.
And it all feels so futile, anyway. We have the same conversations over and over. About money, about our sex life, about not spending enough time together. I get that relationships are hard work, and that no matter how long you're with someone, you'll still have problems and arguments - but the same problems and arguments for five years, with no real resolutions?
Maybe that's why I don't make goals about fixing or improving my relationship - maybe it is just too hopeless of a cause at this point. For nearly five years, we've had the same conversations over and over again - about him smoking, about me being more attentive, about how rarely we have sex, about my weight, about his irresponsibility with money, about my negativity and ranting. Neither one of us is going to change, it feels like...and I wonder what will happen if we do. Sometimes I worry that the glue holding us together is that we can fail and disappoint each other over and over with no real change or repercussions. If either one of us really got our shit together, would we keep putting up with all the bullshit of the other? I love him, but do I love him enough to be 30 years old, living with a 40+ year old who can't pay bills on time - not for the lack of a job, but because he "doesn't know how to manage money"? I get that he's had a rough life, and hasn't always had guidance, but I'd say that 20ish years out on your own should be enough to figure out how to write a budget without the help of your girlfriend.
It isn't like I haven't been a fuck-up, too...credit card debt, being underemployed, taking semesters off school, owing money to various family members, needing to use my grandma's car for years because I couldn't afford my own (or thought I couldn't, at least). The difference is that, for the most part, I haven't needed to borrow money or pay rent late since we've been together. I don't have any money right now, and I wouldn't even have much if Matt had been all paid up on rent and hadn't owed both my half AND his half all at once - but I'd have enough to get by until loans come in.
This sort of shit worries me, because I want to have a house eventually. And a car that actually runs and doesn't sound like a fucking jet engine when I start it. I don't care about being rich, but it would be nice to have my own space, not have to deal with shitty neighbors and apartment managers, and to have reliable transportation. It is hard to imagine a future in which him and I are married, and own a house, and nicer cars, and nicer clothes and furniture that we didn't find on the side of the road. I grew up in a big farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, and I've never really adjusted to living in apartments, or even in cities. I don't want to be stuck in shitty apartments for the rest of my life, but how the hell will we ever be able to save up a downpayment for a house when we can't even get rent paid on time? How will we ever be able to afford a wedding (a reception, really, since neither one of us would care about the wedding ritual itself) when we can't afford our cell phone bills? Should I just settle for getting those things when I'm in my 30s? 40s? Never? Right now it feels kinda hopeless, the whole thing. I'm happy enough with where we are right now, but I know I won't be happy here forever. Constantly hearing my neighbors yelling at their kids, and smelling their pot, and dealing with random maintenance issues, and high heating bills, and annoying parking - just all of the small annoyances of living in an apartment, they are wearing on my nerves. It has been nearly five years and we are literally no closer to owning a home together today than we would have been on the first day we met. Probably further away, if anything. When we met I had a few grand tucked away in savings. Today I have $40 in my bank account and about $2000 of debt, not including student loans.
Well, this has been a depressing exercise. I don't really know why I thought this would help.
Woke up at 2 pm with an excruciating headache (not a hangover, I was just up late reading).
It is gray and dreary and shitty out.
I still have no student loan money, and our rent is late for the first time since we moved in. Matt hopes to have enough for his half by tomorrow or Monday, at which point there will be at least $50 of late fees. He has already said he'll pay all the late fees, since I would have had my money on time if he has paid me back what he owed me from months previous.
I realized that not a single one of my resolutions has anything to do with my relationship, or with how I treat others. I don't know if that is selfish, or just prudent. Honestly, I don't know how much my relationship with Matt can be fixed, and I can't think of anything concrete to do about it anyway.
And since no one knows about this blog other than myself and Matt, and I'm like 98% certain he doesn't check or read it, I'm going to bitch for a minute. I don't get the opportunity to just complain to anyone other than Matt, so if I want to bitch about him or us or anything, I end up bottling it up. Well, I'm done with that shit. It is toxic, and I'm tired of being passive aggressive in an effort to lighten the burden of anger that I carry around with me. It never helps, anyway, being passive aggressive - it just makes him angry, and makes me angry that he can't mind read and doesn't know why I'm upset.
We go through these cycles, where we ignore our problems for a long time. I'll get pissed off and try to go off by myself, then he'll come around and start picking at me, bugging me about why I'm angry. If I say I don't want to talk about it, I'm the bad guy....but I know if I start talking, I won't stop...everything will come out. Every complaint, every grievance. And I don't always have the time or energy to sustain that sort of emotion long enough to have a conversation about it.
And it all feels so futile, anyway. We have the same conversations over and over. About money, about our sex life, about not spending enough time together. I get that relationships are hard work, and that no matter how long you're with someone, you'll still have problems and arguments - but the same problems and arguments for five years, with no real resolutions?
Maybe that's why I don't make goals about fixing or improving my relationship - maybe it is just too hopeless of a cause at this point. For nearly five years, we've had the same conversations over and over again - about him smoking, about me being more attentive, about how rarely we have sex, about my weight, about his irresponsibility with money, about my negativity and ranting. Neither one of us is going to change, it feels like...and I wonder what will happen if we do. Sometimes I worry that the glue holding us together is that we can fail and disappoint each other over and over with no real change or repercussions. If either one of us really got our shit together, would we keep putting up with all the bullshit of the other? I love him, but do I love him enough to be 30 years old, living with a 40+ year old who can't pay bills on time - not for the lack of a job, but because he "doesn't know how to manage money"? I get that he's had a rough life, and hasn't always had guidance, but I'd say that 20ish years out on your own should be enough to figure out how to write a budget without the help of your girlfriend.
It isn't like I haven't been a fuck-up, too...credit card debt, being underemployed, taking semesters off school, owing money to various family members, needing to use my grandma's car for years because I couldn't afford my own (or thought I couldn't, at least). The difference is that, for the most part, I haven't needed to borrow money or pay rent late since we've been together. I don't have any money right now, and I wouldn't even have much if Matt had been all paid up on rent and hadn't owed both my half AND his half all at once - but I'd have enough to get by until loans come in.
This sort of shit worries me, because I want to have a house eventually. And a car that actually runs and doesn't sound like a fucking jet engine when I start it. I don't care about being rich, but it would be nice to have my own space, not have to deal with shitty neighbors and apartment managers, and to have reliable transportation. It is hard to imagine a future in which him and I are married, and own a house, and nicer cars, and nicer clothes and furniture that we didn't find on the side of the road. I grew up in a big farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, and I've never really adjusted to living in apartments, or even in cities. I don't want to be stuck in shitty apartments for the rest of my life, but how the hell will we ever be able to save up a downpayment for a house when we can't even get rent paid on time? How will we ever be able to afford a wedding (a reception, really, since neither one of us would care about the wedding ritual itself) when we can't afford our cell phone bills? Should I just settle for getting those things when I'm in my 30s? 40s? Never? Right now it feels kinda hopeless, the whole thing. I'm happy enough with where we are right now, but I know I won't be happy here forever. Constantly hearing my neighbors yelling at their kids, and smelling their pot, and dealing with random maintenance issues, and high heating bills, and annoying parking - just all of the small annoyances of living in an apartment, they are wearing on my nerves. It has been nearly five years and we are literally no closer to owning a home together today than we would have been on the first day we met. Probably further away, if anything. When we met I had a few grand tucked away in savings. Today I have $40 in my bank account and about $2000 of debt, not including student loans.
Well, this has been a depressing exercise. I don't really know why I thought this would help.
Friday, January 2, 2015
12 Days Left of Break; or, Getting Stuff Done (Finally [Maybe])
So, as of today there are 12 days left of winter break. It feels like break has flown by really quickly, but that is probably because I spent the first half of it taking care of my nephew and stressing about getting ready for Christmas. You would think that an entire month with no school, no job, and few responsibilities would mean getting a lot done, but it really hasn't so far. Since I made most Christmas gifts I gave this year (I have more time than money, being unemployed), that was a big time sink. Honestly, I've spent most of the time since Christmas dicking around, which is my own fault. What really sucks is that I have all this time off and no money, which makes going out impossible. I have $40 to my name at the moment, because student loan money isn't supposed to be disbursed until around January 6th. So, between the 6th and the first day of classes (the 14th), I'll need to get some big grocery shopping and food prep done, as well as paying off some debt and getting a budget made up for this next semester. For the time being I am basically stuck in the apartment - can't afford gas (even though it is the cheapest it has been in years) to go anywhere far, and couldn't afford to buy anything once I got there. So, my goal for the next few days is to get the apartment straightened up, and maybe even start on some of my reading for the upcoming semester. I know the reading assignments for 2 of my 3 classes, so I could ostensibly get cracking on those. One thing I did manage to get done while on break, which I'm rather proud of, is making two charts for my directed study course - one for my readings and one for my films. Since I'm going to be doing quite a bit of borrowing for a variety of sources, I figured I needed a place to keep track of what I need, where I can get it, when I order it, when it is due back (for rentals) and so on. I also tracked down and downloaded to my Kindle everything I could get in PDF format. Most of the non-PDF readings and films I have both a source and back-up source for, and I've already ordered the books that I plan on keeping from Amazon. Luckily, this is shaping up to be a relatively inexpensive semester for books, as I've only spent around $150 so far. Most of the movies I'm watching for my directed study are available for free rental at the Canton Public Library, and Mammoth Video does 50 cent rentals on all non-new releases on both Thursday and Sunday. The class is going to require a ton of reading and movie watching, but at least I'll be able to do it on the cheap. One thing I'm pretty happy about is knowing, in advance, that at most I'll have one long final paper this upcoming semester - my directed study assignments are just short annotated bibliographies for the reading, and my film theory assignments include 5 short papers, but no final paper or exam. I don't know about the format of my African American studies class yet, as the syllabus hasn't been posted, but even if I have a 20 -25 page final paper, I'll still end up with 40ish fewer pages to write at the end of Winter semester, in comparison to Fall. Thank God. I think that is why I've been feeling so down about school - the lst month of my first semester was, for lack of a better word, an absolute clusterfuck. I had three long papers due - a 15-18 pager for Modern American Lit, a 20-25 pager for Shakespeare, and a 15-20 pager for Film and Media Genres. I spent too much time on the MAL paper, slightly less time on the Shakespeare paper, and not-even-close-to-enough time on my Film paper. I still received an A on that last one, but the professor pretty much ripped me apart in the comments. I was finally starting to feel relieved about the semester from hell when I read those comments, which pretty much killed my positive outlook. And I know that it is stupid and childish to get hung up on one person's criticisms, but I do feel that they were unnecessarily harsh. It was literally 18 pages of negativity and then "but with all of that said, this is still a good paper. A." which was really a big head-scratcher for me. Her comments were along the lines of "you aren't supporting your argument" and "you're just using big words without actually saying anything" and so on in that vein....and from reading those negative comments alone, I thought there had to be some mistake with my grade. But no, the paper said A, blackboard said A, pipeline said A. How? How do pages and pages of harsh comments equal an A? I'd almost feel better if I had gotten a B or C on the paper, because then at least the comments and grade would match. As things stand, I don't know how to approach the situation. I mean, this same teacher is in charge of my directed study and teaching my film theory course, as well as running an extracurricular group I'm in. It isn't like I can avoid her, especially considering that the directed study coursework means meeting with her once every two weeks in private to talk about my progress with the material. I just really don't know how to approach the topic...I feel worried that I'll come across as whiny; just another entitled college kid whining that she wasn't nice enough to me. I know she won't take me seriously if I do that, and any sort of goodwill built up over the last few semesters will be dead. But if I pretend that the severe beat-down she administered never even happened, maybe she will think I'm not serious about improving my writing and research. Since the paper was an A, I could just turn the other cheek and assume, despite the overwhelmingly negative comments, that the paper was a fine example of graduate level writing. But I can't ignore the nagging feeling that her comments were somehow personal - and I don't mean that in the "she is out to get me" sort of way, but rather that she is putting a lot of pressure on me, maybe to see if I am a worthwhile "project". I get it, because she is going to be spending extra time with me to do the directed study. I guess if she didn't think I was worth the extra expenditure of time, she could have come up with some sort of excuse and refused to do it...I gave her the opportunity to turn me down, telling her that I would understand if she was too busy to take on the extra work. She seemed happy to do it, at the time. On a purely emotional, irrational level, it was really difficult to read the comments, because she felt like a mentor, and kind of a safety net, and that dissolved from underneath me as I read what amounted to "you aren't ready for this, you aren't good enough for this". Part of my brain was saying "what the hell, I thought we were cool" rather than looking at it rationally and objectively. I don't think I should be exempt from criticism because her and I get along well, and I show up to her extracurricular stuff. I don't think I should be exempt from criticism because I have given her good reviews and recommended her to other students. I don't think I should be exempt from criticism simply because I find it difficult to handle, and am honestly have a far too fragile ego for it. But I do wonder why the criticisms felt so pointed and personal - is it just a fragile ego and lack of confidence in my ability making this into a bigger deal than it actually is? Or were the comments particularly harsh? And if they were, was it just to push me into better writing, and put pressure on my methods? Or was it meant to signal that I really am not cut out for what I'm doing? I would hope that if she genuinely thought I wasn't a capable enough writer to handle grad school, she'd come right out and say it, but that is probably too much to ask for. I'm obviously not going to drop out or give up because one paper, that I admittedly didn't spend enough time on, got bad comments but a good grade. It does make me question my commitment to this path, though. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life constantly thinking that I'm not good enough? That I don't stack up? That I haven't published enough, that I haven't researched as much as I should, that I'm not the best teacher in my department? Do I really have the right mind for a life of competitive academia? I am not the sort of person who can fake confidence to get through the day, and I worry that the stress of always looking like you're in charge, always seeming like the smartest person in the room, is going to be too much for me to handle. At the same time, I don't know what the hell else I would do with my life if I weren't a professor. I plan on finishing my master's degree either way, because it is too damn expensive to quit halfway through, with nothing to show for it. A lot of what happens depends on whether or not I get my scholarship extended for a second year...if not, I'll probably try to take one or two classes at a time while working. And by working, I mean trying to find full time employment related to my field. The writing center at Wayne will probably be hiring by the Fall 2015 semester, and I have an in there, so that is an option...but it is only part time work, with a maximum of 20 hours a week. Basically, everything is hinging on whether or not I get the scholarship again, since it is the only way I can afford full time grad school. If I don't get it, I'll have to figure something else out, but I'm not quite sure what. I'm trying not to stress about that uncertainty, considering there is nothing I can do about it at the moment...but it is really worrying to think that next year, this time, I may be unable to afford school AND unemployed. Not exactly where I'd hoped to be ten years out of high school. Maybe by the time I'm 30 I'll have my life figured out, but at the moment, I'm not even counting on that. Sigh.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
New Year, New Blog
So, it is January 1st, 2015, and the prodigal son has returned.
Since I've been both lazy and depressed for the past few weeks, I'm hoping that writing out some of the stuff I'm dealing with will help.
The last time I tried to go crazy with goals, I ended up doing really well on a few, moderately well on a few more, and totally failing on the rest. Based on my own experiences with goal setting and with what I've seen, heard, and read, I am switching things up for my new year's resolutions. What I've decided to do is to set one big goal for myself (to lose weight), in conjunction with 12 smaller goals, which I will tackle each month. My reasoning is that it is much easier to focus intently on one goal per month than multiple goals for the entire year. Small lifestyle changes rather than huge, overwhelming resolutions, I guess. Plus, I'm hoping that by working on random, smaller goals for a month at a time, some of that motivation will spill over into other months as well. These are in no particular order, because I plan on deciding when I'm going to take on each goal as the year progresses...some may be difficult to do when the school year is in session, so I'll see how the semester is going before making any major decisions.
My twelve monthly goals are as follows:
1)Write a minimum of one paragraph per day, excluding any work done for school.
So, I've decided that this will be January's goal. It makes sense to start here, because writing will hopefully keep my brain sharp for the next two weeks of winter break. My classes start on January 14th, so I will probably do less writing towards the end of the month...which is why I set the minimum at 1 paragraph. I don't expect this semester to be too overwhelming within the first few weeks, but I'm still setting the bar low just so as to keep the goal attainable. I also figure that by starting out with writing, I'll do a better job tracking my progress and my mental state as I work through these goals. I plan on using this blog for most of my writing, and I may not actually post something every day, but I will at least try to add a paragraph or two to a draft, in that case.
2) Follow a daily skin and hair care routine
This seems like a weird goal, even to me, but it is essentially because I'm realizing that I just don't take care of myself the way I need to. It is this vicious cycle in which I have low self esteem, so I spend little time on trying to look/feel good...and because I don't look or feel good, my self esteem gets even lower. I don't want to be the sort of person that ties their self worth to their appearance, but between gaining weight and just sorta letting myself go, I feel worse across the board. I've never exactly been a shining beacon of confidence, and gaining weight, letting my skin get bad, not dressing up or wearing make-up...all of those things just feed back into feeling bad about myself. I figure if I can spend more time and money on looking good, maybe I'll feel more confident and motivated in general.
3)Finish one big sewing project
Matt got me a sewing machine for Christmas, so I want to work on a project. I haven't decided exactly what yet. And since I've never used a sewing machine, I'm sure it will take some amount of learning and practice to prepare for a bigger project, which I plan on doing while on break. I'm thinking of either trying to make a dress for myself, something vintage inspired, or possibly something fun for Kayleigh. My other thought has been to make a quilt from some of my old t-shirts that I don't wear much any more.
4)Read one new novel and watch one new film per week, excluding any work done for school
This goal is probably going to have to wait for summer to role around, since I'm in grad school now and taking 10 credit hours per semester. I do a decent amount of reading on my breaks, though, so this should be doable as long as I make the attempt during the summer when I'm not bogged down with academic reading.
5) Eat no meat
Within the past 5 years or so, I have gone for various lengths of time without eating meat, so one month shouldn't be too difficult. The main thing to keep in mind is that I find vegetarian eating really difficult in a few specific situations: eating out with friends or family, grilling season, holidays. So I basically need to do this during a month that I'm not likely to fire up the grill or to be invited to any cook-outs or anything of the sort. Eating vegetarian meals is easiest when I am doing my own cooking and food prep at home...I'm not quite sure yet which month I'll work on this one, but probably sometime before summer.
6) Do not use social media, excluding any e-mail/discussion boards/etc. required for school
assignments
Okay, so this is going to be tough. I already quit IMWAN quite a while ago and honestly have felt no urge to go back. The only other social media I use regularly is Facebook, which I have an admitted and unfortunate addiction to. I mean, I fucking hate the site...I rarely use it to actually keep up with friends and family (though it works as a convenient messaging tool to someone too lazy to text or call), and it usually only functions to make me angry at friends who have moronic opinions, or feel superior and self-satisfied by watching other people screw up their lives, or feel sorry for myself because everyone else has a better job, or a nicer place to live, or whatever the hell. None of those things is healthy. I'm well aware that social media generally makes me feel crappy, yet I still feel compelled to use it. I think the most important thing to do before I quit social media for a month is to develop actual, healthy, IRL social relationships...either calling friends that live far away, or making regular plans with friends in the area, or maybe even hanging out with people from school. I'd feel less compelled to dick around on Facebook if I wasn't cooped up at home, broke.
7) Walk one mile every day
Starting small with this one. Since my FitBit took a crap and Matt and I moved, we've been doing very little exercising/walking/anything. Where we live now is awful for walking - no good sidewalks, street lighting, no good circuitous route like we used to have when we lived closer to downtown Belleville. We do have access to a 24 hour fitness facility, though, so I could walk on a treadmill on days with bad weather or when it is late at night or something. I hope to start on this goal early in the year, since it will help with my bigger goal of losing 50 lbs.
8) Walk two miles every day
This is obviously related to the above goal...I'm thinking I'll do this the month after goal 7, depending on how it is working out - I'd like to keep motivated, and sometimes inertia is all I have to keep me moving forward. Possibly will do the 1 mile per day goal in February and the 2 mile per day goal in March - not ideal weather/temperature for it, but hopefully the fitness center will help with that.
9) Wake up by 9 am every day
Most of the adult world has already taken their lunch break before I even wake up lately. I partly blame my grad school schedule, since my earliest classes start at noon, and most of my classes actually start even later - 5 or 6 pm. Since I'm not working and just in school, my sleep schedule is an absolute mess. Having a Kindle doesn't help, because it means I can check the internet and play games all from the comfort of bed....which means I don't fall asleep until 4 am most days. For this goal, I plan on banning the Kindle from the bedroom and leaving it to charge overnight in the living room. No pop before bed, either. I also need to a buy a big, loud alarm clock...my cell phone alarms just don't cut it anymore, as I tend to sleep right through them. Hopefully waking up earlier will mean I'm more motivated to get things done, and less depressed.
10) Drink no pop
This is something I've needed to do for a long time. I've known the health issues caused by drinking diet pop for years now, but I've never been able to kick the habit. It is expensive AND unhealthy, so I really do need to do this. The biggest hurdle for me is that I don't like drinking really anything EXCEPT diet pop - I don't care for water, or tea, or juice, or milk, or really anything else. And the caffeine withdrawals almost always give me excruciating headaches. What I'll probably do is switch from pop to caffeinated tea or water (with Mio or another caffeinated flavor enhancer) and then try to ween myself just to plain water or water with lemon or something. I've tried to quit pop several times, with varying levels of success. The most important thing is to be prepared in advance...to always have a back up and stay stocked up on water or tea or whatever, to avoid the convenience of running to a vending machine or through a drive-thru to grab a pop.
11) Spend a minimum of 15 minutes, every day, practicing/studying something new
My ideas for this one include guitar, Spanish, and sewing, though I may decide on something else when I actually start. In all likelihood this will be a goal that I work on during the summer or when I'm not taking as many credit hours. It is hard to devote even a few hours a week to something non-academic when grad school is so overwhelming. What is likely is that I'll do this in June or July, when I actually have the time and mind-space to devote to something other than reading and writing.
12) No fast food or pre-made frozen dinners
Okay, so this one is related to trying to lose weight, and eat healthier. I don't tend to make healthy choices when I go out to eat, even if they are available...it is better for me to avoid eating out altogether if trying to eat healthy. I'm thinking it might be good to do this goal after farmer's markets open for the year, so I can buy local veggies and prep my own food at home. This goal also depends on whether I find a job over the summer and whether or not it is a food service job...It would be difficult to avoid fast food if I end up back at Jimmy John's for the summer, so this one is still pretty up in the air.
Yearly:
So, my goal for the year is to lose about 50 lbs. I weigh 262 right now, which is the biggest I've ever been. It would be nice to get down to an even 200 before New Year's Eve 2015, but I'm trying to be realistic. I figure 50 pounds is about a pound a week, which should be doable as long as I'm eating better, walking more, and making better choices. I'm hoping some of my smaller monthly goals will help with that, and I also plan on getting a new FitBit and tracking my calories as well. I'm not going to do this as religiously as I did last time, because it gets very exhausting to constantly be doing math in your head about what you can and can't eat, about how much you need to burn...it ends up being stressful, and I give up. I'm hoping that by taking a more laid back approach my goal will be more attainable. One pound a week sounds feasible, and like it won't kill my spirit. I guess we'll see how it goes.
Since I've been both lazy and depressed for the past few weeks, I'm hoping that writing out some of the stuff I'm dealing with will help.
The last time I tried to go crazy with goals, I ended up doing really well on a few, moderately well on a few more, and totally failing on the rest. Based on my own experiences with goal setting and with what I've seen, heard, and read, I am switching things up for my new year's resolutions. What I've decided to do is to set one big goal for myself (to lose weight), in conjunction with 12 smaller goals, which I will tackle each month. My reasoning is that it is much easier to focus intently on one goal per month than multiple goals for the entire year. Small lifestyle changes rather than huge, overwhelming resolutions, I guess. Plus, I'm hoping that by working on random, smaller goals for a month at a time, some of that motivation will spill over into other months as well. These are in no particular order, because I plan on deciding when I'm going to take on each goal as the year progresses...some may be difficult to do when the school year is in session, so I'll see how the semester is going before making any major decisions.
My twelve monthly goals are as follows:
1)Write a minimum of one paragraph per day, excluding any work done for school.
So, I've decided that this will be January's goal. It makes sense to start here, because writing will hopefully keep my brain sharp for the next two weeks of winter break. My classes start on January 14th, so I will probably do less writing towards the end of the month...which is why I set the minimum at 1 paragraph. I don't expect this semester to be too overwhelming within the first few weeks, but I'm still setting the bar low just so as to keep the goal attainable. I also figure that by starting out with writing, I'll do a better job tracking my progress and my mental state as I work through these goals. I plan on using this blog for most of my writing, and I may not actually post something every day, but I will at least try to add a paragraph or two to a draft, in that case.
2) Follow a daily skin and hair care routine
This seems like a weird goal, even to me, but it is essentially because I'm realizing that I just don't take care of myself the way I need to. It is this vicious cycle in which I have low self esteem, so I spend little time on trying to look/feel good...and because I don't look or feel good, my self esteem gets even lower. I don't want to be the sort of person that ties their self worth to their appearance, but between gaining weight and just sorta letting myself go, I feel worse across the board. I've never exactly been a shining beacon of confidence, and gaining weight, letting my skin get bad, not dressing up or wearing make-up...all of those things just feed back into feeling bad about myself. I figure if I can spend more time and money on looking good, maybe I'll feel more confident and motivated in general.
3)Finish one big sewing project
Matt got me a sewing machine for Christmas, so I want to work on a project. I haven't decided exactly what yet. And since I've never used a sewing machine, I'm sure it will take some amount of learning and practice to prepare for a bigger project, which I plan on doing while on break. I'm thinking of either trying to make a dress for myself, something vintage inspired, or possibly something fun for Kayleigh. My other thought has been to make a quilt from some of my old t-shirts that I don't wear much any more.
4)Read one new novel and watch one new film per week, excluding any work done for school
This goal is probably going to have to wait for summer to role around, since I'm in grad school now and taking 10 credit hours per semester. I do a decent amount of reading on my breaks, though, so this should be doable as long as I make the attempt during the summer when I'm not bogged down with academic reading.
5) Eat no meat
Within the past 5 years or so, I have gone for various lengths of time without eating meat, so one month shouldn't be too difficult. The main thing to keep in mind is that I find vegetarian eating really difficult in a few specific situations: eating out with friends or family, grilling season, holidays. So I basically need to do this during a month that I'm not likely to fire up the grill or to be invited to any cook-outs or anything of the sort. Eating vegetarian meals is easiest when I am doing my own cooking and food prep at home...I'm not quite sure yet which month I'll work on this one, but probably sometime before summer.
6) Do not use social media, excluding any e-mail/discussion boards/etc. required for school
assignments
Okay, so this is going to be tough. I already quit IMWAN quite a while ago and honestly have felt no urge to go back. The only other social media I use regularly is Facebook, which I have an admitted and unfortunate addiction to. I mean, I fucking hate the site...I rarely use it to actually keep up with friends and family (though it works as a convenient messaging tool to someone too lazy to text or call), and it usually only functions to make me angry at friends who have moronic opinions, or feel superior and self-satisfied by watching other people screw up their lives, or feel sorry for myself because everyone else has a better job, or a nicer place to live, or whatever the hell. None of those things is healthy. I'm well aware that social media generally makes me feel crappy, yet I still feel compelled to use it. I think the most important thing to do before I quit social media for a month is to develop actual, healthy, IRL social relationships...either calling friends that live far away, or making regular plans with friends in the area, or maybe even hanging out with people from school. I'd feel less compelled to dick around on Facebook if I wasn't cooped up at home, broke.
7) Walk one mile every day
Starting small with this one. Since my FitBit took a crap and Matt and I moved, we've been doing very little exercising/walking/anything. Where we live now is awful for walking - no good sidewalks, street lighting, no good circuitous route like we used to have when we lived closer to downtown Belleville. We do have access to a 24 hour fitness facility, though, so I could walk on a treadmill on days with bad weather or when it is late at night or something. I hope to start on this goal early in the year, since it will help with my bigger goal of losing 50 lbs.
8) Walk two miles every day
This is obviously related to the above goal...I'm thinking I'll do this the month after goal 7, depending on how it is working out - I'd like to keep motivated, and sometimes inertia is all I have to keep me moving forward. Possibly will do the 1 mile per day goal in February and the 2 mile per day goal in March - not ideal weather/temperature for it, but hopefully the fitness center will help with that.
9) Wake up by 9 am every day
Most of the adult world has already taken their lunch break before I even wake up lately. I partly blame my grad school schedule, since my earliest classes start at noon, and most of my classes actually start even later - 5 or 6 pm. Since I'm not working and just in school, my sleep schedule is an absolute mess. Having a Kindle doesn't help, because it means I can check the internet and play games all from the comfort of bed....which means I don't fall asleep until 4 am most days. For this goal, I plan on banning the Kindle from the bedroom and leaving it to charge overnight in the living room. No pop before bed, either. I also need to a buy a big, loud alarm clock...my cell phone alarms just don't cut it anymore, as I tend to sleep right through them. Hopefully waking up earlier will mean I'm more motivated to get things done, and less depressed.
10) Drink no pop
This is something I've needed to do for a long time. I've known the health issues caused by drinking diet pop for years now, but I've never been able to kick the habit. It is expensive AND unhealthy, so I really do need to do this. The biggest hurdle for me is that I don't like drinking really anything EXCEPT diet pop - I don't care for water, or tea, or juice, or milk, or really anything else. And the caffeine withdrawals almost always give me excruciating headaches. What I'll probably do is switch from pop to caffeinated tea or water (with Mio or another caffeinated flavor enhancer) and then try to ween myself just to plain water or water with lemon or something. I've tried to quit pop several times, with varying levels of success. The most important thing is to be prepared in advance...to always have a back up and stay stocked up on water or tea or whatever, to avoid the convenience of running to a vending machine or through a drive-thru to grab a pop.
11) Spend a minimum of 15 minutes, every day, practicing/studying something new
My ideas for this one include guitar, Spanish, and sewing, though I may decide on something else when I actually start. In all likelihood this will be a goal that I work on during the summer or when I'm not taking as many credit hours. It is hard to devote even a few hours a week to something non-academic when grad school is so overwhelming. What is likely is that I'll do this in June or July, when I actually have the time and mind-space to devote to something other than reading and writing.
12) No fast food or pre-made frozen dinners
Okay, so this one is related to trying to lose weight, and eat healthier. I don't tend to make healthy choices when I go out to eat, even if they are available...it is better for me to avoid eating out altogether if trying to eat healthy. I'm thinking it might be good to do this goal after farmer's markets open for the year, so I can buy local veggies and prep my own food at home. This goal also depends on whether I find a job over the summer and whether or not it is a food service job...It would be difficult to avoid fast food if I end up back at Jimmy John's for the summer, so this one is still pretty up in the air.
Yearly:
So, my goal for the year is to lose about 50 lbs. I weigh 262 right now, which is the biggest I've ever been. It would be nice to get down to an even 200 before New Year's Eve 2015, but I'm trying to be realistic. I figure 50 pounds is about a pound a week, which should be doable as long as I'm eating better, walking more, and making better choices. I'm hoping some of my smaller monthly goals will help with that, and I also plan on getting a new FitBit and tracking my calories as well. I'm not going to do this as religiously as I did last time, because it gets very exhausting to constantly be doing math in your head about what you can and can't eat, about how much you need to burn...it ends up being stressful, and I give up. I'm hoping that by taking a more laid back approach my goal will be more attainable. One pound a week sounds feasible, and like it won't kill my spirit. I guess we'll see how it goes.
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