Day 6

I woke up later than I should have today, but I've still managed to get some stuff done. Filled out the form needed to defer my PLUS loans, once again. Called the office to let them know about our rent situation. Renewed (tried to, at least) MelCats books, and placed an ILL order for another book. Picked up a bit around the apartment. Emailed Prof. Kee and scheduled our meeting time for my directed study course. I finally finished working on my recipe box, which means I can get the dining room picked up and start working on cleaning up the kitchen as well. It is still freezing cold out, so I'd rather wait to work on the balcony, even though it really needs to get done. My plan until Matt gets home from work is to work on laundry and cleaning, and try to get the apartment back into decent shape. I also need to start working on my reading for next week. 1 week and 1 day until my first class, and I'm feeling about as nervous as I usually do at the start of a new semester. I'm not too worried about my Film Theory or Directed Study courses, but the AAS class is making me a bit anxious...the professor was a bit of a hard ass when I took her for a 5000 level class, plus I know at least 3 or 4 people in the class, so I'll pretty much be forced to socialize. While it is nice that I'm getting to know people in the graduate program, I feel weird about hanging out with people or inserting myself into their social circles. I've never been great at making or keeping friends, so my anxiety is probably just an extension of that same problem. I'd like this to be a more social semester, but that doesn't make me less worried about what that means exactly. I guess I should probably start small...getting lunch on campus with a few people, or something. I can make Matt come along so I don't feel so out of place. I'm going to miss having a class with him, even though it mainly just led to him and I arguing about whether or not we thought the professor was too this or too that. And of course he is taking another class with her this semester, so in the end, I take that as a win...he wasn't that into her teaching style, but now he is switching around his schedule so he can take another of her classes. Told ya so. 

Anyway, I'm also trying to work out a basic diet/exercise plan, since school is starting in a week. My plan is to basically start small - I know from past experience that if I decide to cut calories and work out constantly and change a whole bunch of big things all at once, I'll fail at most of them, then get frustrated, then quit. One tip I heard that actually sounds helpful is to ADD new, healthy foods rather than making a long list of cant-eat and dont-eat foods. I think that may have been part of my problem before - there is a difference between making healthy replacements, adding healthy foods, etc. and just saying I won't eat this and I won't eat that. It feels like punishment to say "I'm done eating pizza"...I fucking love pizza. I don't love being fat, but I think a world exists in which I can be thinner than I am, healthier than I am, and still enjoy pizza once in a while. I need to moderate what I eat, and get more exercise. I'm big enough now that getting the ball rolling shouldn't be too difficult...after all,  I have a lot to lose. I was able to lose about 20 lbs in a few months just by counting calories and walking more. I don't plan on counting calories as religiously as I used to, but focusing more on trying new, healthier foods. Preparing food at home, in advance if possible. Not skipping meals. Getting on a more normal sleep schedule. Walking more, maybe even doing a bit of cardio here and there. I'm hoping that these small changes will add up and help me lose weight. Eating out, eating processed convenience foods, stress/binge eating are the things that get me off track, so I'm just trying to minimize those. I figure I can spend most of my time eating healthy, and then have one or two cheat meals or snacks per week. I just got a fondue pot, and I really hate the idea of waiting another 6 months to eat melted cheese. That is more pain than my cheddar-loving soul can bear. While a whole cheat day seems like a bad idea, because it just sets me back on the Twinkie-lined path of chunkness, a cheat meal/snack seems like a good middle ground solution. I've read that planning meals in advance is also a good way to save money and lose weight, so I'm planning on trying that for a week to see how it goes. I'm bad at that sort of organization, especially when Matt and I have such weird schedules. Since I'm at home more now than I've ever really been, it is more a matter of determination and persistence than anything, though. While scheduling meals for Matt and I both would be difficult, I could create a meal plan for myself that makes sense. I only *need* to be on campus two days a week, so I have plenty of time at home to prep and cook and eat. I can't quite tell if that will be a good thing or a bad thing.