Blugh

Today so far:

Woke up at 2 pm with an excruciating headache (not a hangover, I was just up late reading).

It is gray and dreary and shitty out.

I still have no student loan money, and our rent is late for the first time since we moved in. Matt hopes to have enough for his half by tomorrow or Monday, at which point there will be at least $50 of late fees. He has already said he'll pay all the late fees, since I would have had my money on time if he has paid me back what he owed me from months previous.

I realized that not a single one of my resolutions has anything to do with my relationship, or with how I treat others. I don't know if that is selfish, or just prudent. Honestly, I don't know how much my relationship with Matt can be fixed, and I can't think of anything concrete to do about it anyway.

And since no one knows about this blog other than myself and Matt, and I'm like 98% certain he doesn't check or read it, I'm going to bitch for a minute. I don't get the opportunity to just complain to anyone other than Matt, so if I want to bitch about him or us or anything, I end up bottling it up. Well, I'm done with that shit. It is toxic, and I'm tired of being passive aggressive in an effort to lighten the burden of anger that I carry around with me. It never helps, anyway, being passive aggressive - it just makes him angry, and makes me angry that he can't mind read and doesn't know why I'm upset.

We go through these cycles, where we ignore our problems for a long time. I'll get pissed off and try to go off by myself, then he'll come around and start picking at me, bugging me about why I'm angry. If I say I don't want to talk about it, I'm the bad guy....but I know if I start talking, I won't stop...everything will come out. Every complaint, every grievance. And I don't always have the time or energy to sustain that sort of emotion long enough to have a conversation about it.

And it all feels so futile, anyway. We have the same conversations over and over. About money, about our sex life, about not spending enough time together. I get that relationships are hard work, and that no matter how long you're with someone, you'll still have problems and arguments - but the same problems and arguments for five years, with no real resolutions?

Maybe that's why I don't make goals about fixing or improving my relationship - maybe it is just too hopeless of a cause at this point. For nearly five years, we've had the same conversations over and over again - about him smoking, about me being more attentive, about how rarely we have sex, about my weight, about his irresponsibility with money, about my negativity and ranting. Neither one of us is going to change, it feels like...and I wonder what will happen if we do. Sometimes I worry that the glue holding us together is that we can fail and disappoint each other over and over with no real change or repercussions. If either one of us really got our shit together, would we keep putting up with all the bullshit of the other? I love him, but do I love him enough to be 30 years old, living with a 40+ year old who can't pay bills on time - not for the lack of a job, but because he "doesn't know how to manage money"? I get that he's had a rough life, and hasn't always had guidance, but I'd say that 20ish years out on your own should be enough to figure out how to write a budget without the help of your girlfriend.

It isn't like I haven't been a fuck-up, too...credit card debt, being underemployed, taking semesters off school, owing money to various family members, needing to use my grandma's car for years because I couldn't afford my own (or thought I couldn't, at least). The difference is that, for the most part, I haven't needed to borrow money or pay rent late since we've been together. I don't have any money right now, and I wouldn't even have much if Matt had been all paid up on rent and hadn't owed both my half AND his half all at once - but I'd have enough to get by until loans come in.

This sort of shit worries me, because I want to have a house eventually. And a car that actually runs and doesn't sound like a fucking jet engine when I start it. I don't care about being rich, but it would be nice to have my own space, not have to deal with shitty neighbors and apartment managers, and to have reliable transportation. It is hard to imagine a future in which him and I are married, and own a house, and nicer cars, and nicer clothes and furniture that we didn't find on the side of the road. I grew up in a big farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, and I've never really adjusted to living in apartments, or even in cities. I don't want to be stuck in shitty apartments for the rest of my life, but how the hell will we ever be able to save up a downpayment for a house when we can't even get rent paid on time? How will we ever be able to afford a wedding (a reception, really, since neither one of us would care about the wedding ritual itself) when we can't afford our cell phone bills? Should I just settle for getting those things when I'm in my 30s? 40s? Never? Right now it feels kinda hopeless, the whole thing. I'm happy enough with where we are right now, but I know I won't be happy here forever. Constantly hearing my neighbors yelling at their kids, and smelling their pot, and dealing with random maintenance issues, and high heating bills, and annoying parking - just all of the small annoyances of living in an apartment, they are wearing on my nerves. It has been nearly five years and we are literally no closer to owning a home together today than we would have been on the first day we met. Probably further away, if anything. When we met I had a few grand tucked away in savings. Today I have $40 in my bank account and about $2000 of debt,  not including student loans.

Well, this has been a depressing exercise. I don't really know why I thought this would help.